From the super-sharp standup latest set to the hip-hop megastar’s mammoth tour: your at-a-glance guide to the best in culture
Bridget Christie
The queen of feminist comedy continues her two-week run in London, with a new show that faces up to our EU exasperation, before heading out on tour.
At Leicester Square Theatre, WC2, to Saturday 11 February; touring to Thursday 22 June
The comedic Sheffield organist joined us to answer your questions in a live webchat, covering everything from his favourite organs to the best way to wear a cardigan
That’s everything from John! He takes his organ out on the road this week, beginning in Swindon on 11 January and ending up in Sheffield on 30 March.
Thank you so much for sending your questions in. It’s been an absolute delight. I feel a little bit sad about the questions I couldn’t answer due to time constraints. I must go now as I have some pressing DIY duties. Ta-ta! Hope you can make it to one of my shows in the near future.
timetraveller09 asks:
Wondering if you have been back to the Shetlands to see if they’re still ‘nice up north’. Also wondering if the disaffected youth are still there as my husband thinks they’ve moved into our street?
I did return a few years ago. Elma Johnson – the lovely lady in my film, It’s Nice Up North, has sadly passed away. And Teg Stagg is no longer there. He was the nicest Shetlander I met, and he messed up my theory, hailing as he did from Devon!
ralphmilnefanclub asks:
One question I’ve been wanting to ask for some minutes now – who is older, you or your good friend Graham Fellows – I’m thinking it must be a close-run thing…
Interesting question, which I’m afraid I can’t answer…
EelOrNoEel asks:
What’s that Martin Parr like to work with?
I see he’s doing the idents on BBC1 – very flashy! He was a bit posh for me, and couldn’t hold the video camera steady. Apart from that, a smashing chap. And a joy to work with.
MC_Laugh asks:
Is the Tracker Bar still the top environmentally-friendly snack?
No, it’s been supplanted by Nature Valley.
Elisabeth “Beth” Anderson asks:
What would be your pick for the best market town in England for a weekend minibreak?
For some reason I’m going to say Louth in Lincolnshire. But Stow-in-the-Wold is rather nice, Ken tells me.
Phil cook asks:
Who is the most polite celebrity you’ve had in your lounge (and how did they take their tea?)
Well, it wasn’t Claire Grogan, who told me off for criticising her backing vocals. Though we did make it up in the end. I would say Leee John from Imagination. What a lovely chap. And the finest rendition of my classic Disaffected Youth (apart from my own) that I’ve ever heard!
Stu Small asks:
Having frequented the snake pass on many occasions can you tell me if you prefer the East or West of the Pennies. I myself enjoy the west sides and the surrounds of the Etherow Valley, Wood’ed and Tintwistle. The East Is a bit Yorkshire for me
I have to say the east, because that’s where Ladybower reservoir is, where I regularly check the level of. And I suggest you do the same.
Alan Fletcher asks:
John, Bomtempi B9 – awesome or awful? I only ask because my friend Robert has just been given one as a bequest and is wondering if he should invest in a power supply which was sadly missing.
Freecycle.com, I’m afraid.
Stick to keyboards you can rest on your knee, that’s my advice.
mattyjj asks:
Modern packaging on everyday domestic products isn’t what it used to be.
Am I alone in yearning for the old metal tubes of Alka-Seltzer?
No, you’re not. And what’s happened to the silver foil around a KitKat? And are we really happy with the plastic coated Penguin? As for the increased gaps in the Toblerone, it’s an outrage, and I will be discussing it in the Tasty Mint show.
ID3996271 asks:
Do you think Sheffield will be remembered as a place where trees are cut down, rather than managed, just to protect private profit?
Ooh, that’s a hot topic! Yes of course local trees need protecting. Having said that, I recently tarmac-ed over our lawn. No more muddy shoes when I go out to power wash the recycling bin.
MrTinks asks:
A lot of famous singers died in 2016, but I was saddened that I couldn’t find any obituaries or retrospectives of their work written by your friend Brian Appleton. Is he still working or has he had to get a proper job?
Perhaps Brian has himself died. But I sincerely hope not and that he will return at some point in the future. Celebrity deaths is a key topic in my new show, My Last Will and Tasty Mint, coming soon to a theatre near you! You see, I’m a little worried about my own mortality.
Paul Bryant asks:
Could you advise a good place to purchase a fawn fleece? Most of my local shops don’t seem to stock said apparel.
Obtaining fawn or beige clothing is increasingly a bit of a problem. But it’s such a lovely shade. Why is this? Try Sue Ryder Remembrance Shop. All items £1 for a limited period only!
badflower asks:
Sometimes I worry that people don’t take you seriously. For example, I once saw you perform in Buxton and the audience wouldn’t stop laughing – even when you were singing about loneliness and bereavement.
I remember that show – there was a lunatic woman laughing inanely at everything, including all the sad bits. She asked me to sign her t-shirt at the end. I told her where the bus stop was.
RobDav asks:
When are the BBC going to replace Top Gear with Top Shed, fronted by John Shuttleworth?
That’s a brilliant idea. Would I be able to wear my jeans that Mary recently bought me from a catalogue?
CordTrousers asks:
Is it worth investing in a home bread-making machine?
Not when Morrisons are reducing their expired bread to 9p, no, it isn’t.
Richard Hall asks:
Was there really a soldier called Shane?
You’re referring to a lyric from my obscure but exceptionally good, in my humble view, rock ballad Scenes From South Yorkshire. No, I didn’t know his name, but Shane rhymes with Elaine, which was in the previous line. So, yes.
mill1806 asks:
What is dark matter?
An anagram of “trek mad rat” or even “marked tart”. Ooh, I do like quizzes, don’t you?
proust asks:
Are you still up and down like a bride’s nightie?
No I’m not. My next door neighbour and sole agent, Ken Worthington, recently explained what that means. I was shocked as I’ve always been led to believe it referred to mood swings. I was duped.
proust asks:
Are you still missing Mary?
Unfortunately I can’t, because I’m visiting a poorly aunt.
upsilon49 asks:
Do you have any advice for those who have yet to encounter the Two Margarines in the Fridge dilemma and how does one help the family return to normality after such a disturbing incident?
My advice is: just don’t go there. And I don’t know how you return to normality. It’s going to take a long time. And even then things can never be quite the same as they once were. Good luck to you.
LondonSpy asks:
I remember Pigeons in Flight. Is there any way that you could end GB’s appalling run in the Eurovision Song Contest?
Not with the price of song entries being what they are. It’s extortionate. £70 per song when I last applied in the late 90s. I offered them £25 just to submit the chorus, knowing Pigeons in Flight was so catchy it would surely be submitted on the chorus alone. They said no, sorry. So I said: how much for an intro? Then they hung up on me. Charming!
Kerry Davies asks:
Are you planning to visit us here in Hull, the UK City of Culture for 2017 and is there any chance you might be performing in Hull in 2017?
Well, I was hoping to, but to be honest Ken couldn’t get me a gig in Hull because none of the theatres had any free dates (because it’s going to be the City of Culture!). But don’t worry – I’m performing down the road in Beverley on March 12 and 13. See you there!
ID4311116 asks:
We already have two tubs of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter on the go (madness I know!) My wife has added a third, presently unopened tub to the fridge after a dangerous post Christmas shopping misunderstanding. How do we navigate this clearly dangerous situation and avoid culinary spread-based armageddon?
Bake lots of cakes as soon as possible!
whitehouse1980 asks:
I believe your weapon of choice is a Yamaha PSS680? According to a close source of mine (my mate Nigel works in cash convertors in Leigh) it has 100 pre-set styles (ie rhythms with very richly orchestrated accompaniment) and 4 OBS effect buttons (apparently the portamento makes nice slide sounds). All things considered, what is your favourite part of your organ?
The PSS680 is one of my favourite organs, but it doesn’t have the “fun pad” with the lion’s roar, or the car noises, etc. So I prefer the PSS51, and the “fun rhythm” is my favourite button.
dylan37 asks:
As an experienced and skilled vocalist of many years standing, reverb or echo?
Helloooooo! That’s a tricky questions to answer, sir, sir, sir…
dylan37 asks:
Your Ambassador, John – 1.7 or the more stately 2.0?
It is, but I’d rather it was the two-litre – the same size I like my milk cartons. Ken Worthington finds that size unwieldy, and tends to buy the half-litre long life.
monkeyman1974 asks:
Whatever happened to the handglider?
I think you mean hang glider. But I know what you mean. Well, it crashed into a rock on Burbage Moor. I’ll be singing all about it in my forthcoming tour in the harrowing ballad Get The Volvo, Val!
Charles Penty asks:
My name is Trevor and my wife and I are proud owners of a beautiful new dog whose name we cannot decide on. My wife thinks we should call him Trevor so that when she shouts that lunch is ready we both come in from the garden at the same time. I’m not sure about this and would be grateful for your advice.
My advice is listen to your wife and call him Trevor. Clever plan. Or name him Piddles and change your name to that. Yes, that’s a better idea I think.
nivlek47 asks:
Is Gordon still a moron?
I believe after many years of not being so, he is again and that Jilted John bloke is singing all about it at the 100 Club in London on March 29th. The following night he’s even supporting me at the Sheffield City Hall on the final night of my tour – see my website for more details.
whatamilike asks:
Are you still a modern enough man to put the ironing board up and take it down again?
Course I am. The other day I even got my toolkit out and made a slight adjustment to the catch. There was a bit of wobble while it was in an erect state, which isn’t desirable when you’re ironing. Mary was most grateful. Sounds a bit saucy – it’s not meant to be.
whatamilike asks:
I’m wondering how your coffee experience has developed? Campucinnos and Cafetieries are great, but have you tried any of the flavoured Christmas Lattees that are seasonally popular these days?
Mary and I have lost heart, and abandoned the cafetiere, as the plunger keeps going down too quickly. And splashing me sweater with coffee.
Yes, I’ll be at the Leicester Square theatre, from the 21-23 February. I can’t wait.
AbrahamApe asks:
I found a tin of Pease pudding at the back of my pantry with a sell-by date of March 2007. Could I still serve it to my neighbour, Mrs E. Knowles ? If so what garnish would you recommend?
It should be fine. Drizzle it with Carnation and you’ll have yourself a rare treat.
Graham Mckay-Smith asks:
Do you remember opening for Cardiacs at the Marquee Wardour St? Still the best club that ever existed in London.
It certainly was, and I do remember. It was a most “arresting” experience.
Jon Gray asks:
Love your work, do you know a good plasterer, I’m doing up the outhouse?
No, but I thought Robbie Williams looked like a bad plasterer when I saw him on telly at the new year. Did you see him? He was chomping away on his gum. Very slovenly I thought. Buck your ideas up, lad! He needs to watch his ex-colleague Gary Barlow at work, and study his restrained bodily movements and lack of mastication.
bobbymac1956 asks:
Is Joan Chitty single?
She is! And since her budgie Les died she seems to have lost interest in men. I don’t see the connection there, but maybe – if you’re a prospective suitor, and your question suggests you might be – any attempts to win Joan’s heart should involve you donning a budgie suit.
gringogus asks:
If you were to form a rock supergroup with you on keyboards and vocals, who else would be in the band?
Difficult one, this. But how about Michael Ball as lead vocalist, Roger Whittaker on guitar (plus whistle solos!), Richard Clayderman on keyboards, and either the Pointer or Nolan sisters for backing vocals and dance routines.
Sigma66 asks:
I recently visited Rousay and was tempted – for about a second – to knock on your door to compare West Highland Terriers (mine’s called Whistle). How much time do you actually spend there?
I think you may be confusing me with that Graham Fellows bloke, but I believe he goes up there when he can, and for those who want to know more about this church conversion on a remote Scottish island, please visit www.thespaceorkney.com.
BRFoulkes asks:
Meat pie or Sausage roll?
Sausage roll I would say. And my wife Mary would be the same. Or perhaps she would plump for a buffet pork pie. Mind you, on reflection, so would I!
TheWaltonMystic asks:
Have you followed Netto to Asda, or have you sought solace in alternative European derived economy supermarket chains?
I’m a Morrisons man myself, but Mary and I do occasionally brave the harsh fluorescent lights of Aldi. They do a very nice raspberry conserve with a high fruit content for 34p – how do they manage that?
AbrahamApe asks:
Are you available to judge a Ken Worthington sound-alike competition in Wimborne on February 9th? We could pay you in fudge. Rum’n’raisin or lime streak.
Rum’n’raisin please. Yes, I will be in Wimborne then, performing at the Tivoli theatre. So give Ken a tinkle to confirm the quantity of fudge you will be supplying. But don’t tell him the precise nature of your call, obviously.
AbrahamApe asks:
Do you worry that Mary spends so much time with Joan Chitty ? What are they doing?
They spend a lot of time spinning these days. I don’t mean the ancient craft, which would require Mary to sport a lacy bonnet. No, I’m referring to the exercise routine on bicycles, where they have to keep standing up on their haunches.
Jonathan Chadwick asks:
Arctic Monkeys, Def Leppard, or Pulp?
Def Leppard, definitely. That Joe Cocker’s a bit funny. And the Arctic Monkeys are too cheeky for me. Besides, Joe Elliott used to deliver our newspaper when he was a lad – I wrote a song about that. “I put a bandage on a little boy’s knee / it was the lead singer of Def Leppard, he lived near me.”
Nick Greaves asks:
Will there be a comeback for Jilted John?
Yes, come and see him support me at the Sheffield City Hall on March 30.
GlynLloydEvans asks:
What is the minimum period of time you would consider to be acceptable between having your dinner and having your tea?
Exceptionally good question. The answer is two hours, 35 minutes.
Thunder1 asks:
Should I button my cardigan or let it swing openly wildly? Please answer this before those other ‘thin’ questions. My style is my ego.
Button it, thunder! To let it swing open looks slovenly. And could present a health hazard, given the approaching Arctic temperatures!
El Escoces asks:
What would be your specialist subject on Mastermind?
Well it can’t be John Shuttleworth, because that’s been done! And the lady contestant, Rachel I believe, scored a lot more than I would have done. Right now, I’m researching “Discontinued Sweets” for my new tour, which starts this week. So that would be my specialist subject. “What happened to the Toffo – somebody’s killed it off, oh!” That’s just one line.
Or possibly the history of grouting.
ID6781762 asks:
John. Brexit, breakfast, Buckfast or Slimfast?
I don’t know, but I suddenly want to go to Buckfastleigh.
PunCrock asks:
You know that toaster you bought off eBay? Is it still working?
It’s fine thanks, it’s the dishwasher that’s giving cause for concern. Mary wants a new one. I’ll be talking about that in my new live show, My Last Will and Tasty Mint. I can’t reveal the specific issue re the dishwasher – you’ll have to come and see the show!
ID3306582 asks:
I was at the Robert Plant Marquee gig many years ago. How did that strange union come about?
I’ve no idea. But as you may recall, my act was rather different then. I had somersaulting dogs and clockwork robots on top of the keyboard, to provide visual stimuli because I was a bit boring to look at back then. Mind you, so was Robert Plant if I remember rightly. No proper dance routines whatsoever.
Jonathan Morgan asks:
I’m a budding home keyboard player, John, but am finding it hard to stop my Yamaha falling off my lap when punching the air at an appropriate moment. We don’t possess a chest freezer and I can’t run to the expense of a stand. What would you recommend as a best alternative.
I do sympathise Jonathan. At Christmas we had relatives from Rotherham, and I had to perch on the bed with the organ on my knees. It was awful.
repeatandfade asks:
I have two polo neck sweaters. Which one is best for a job interview?
The second one. No! The first. Oh, I don’t know. Ask your mum.
jazzym asks:
Do you know of any motorway services that are particularly worthy of a detour, or even a day out? I don’t want to be too dogmatic, and would also consider any noteworthy Little Chefs, Happy Eaters or some such.
There’s a nice Little Chef near Sleaford, Lincs – nice array of conifers in the car park. I’ve never been to Michael Wood services but it sounds lovely – is it?
anadultspeaks asks:
Apart from the Y reg Austin Ambassador, what other cars have you owned and what do you drive now?
Still the Y-reg, naturally. Once I had a Ford Anglia, in which I had the incident on the Snake Pass. I also once owned a lovely Chrysler Alpine. I considered a Hillman Imp at one time, but deemed it just too tiny for a large man like myself. It would have suited Ken Worthington of course!
Tom Spain asks:
I need 40 flexible drinking straws. Do you know where I could find them at a reasonable price?
No, I was hoping you could tell me.
I’m almost out of them!
Sid Foggiest asks:
Given, Mr John Shuttleworth, your longstanding interest in things hydrological, are you in favour of fracking near reservoirs? Have you ever written a “protest” song?
I have Sid, it’s called What’s A Shuttle Worth? Y’know, space travel and that. Is it worth the cost to the environment? Fracking, definitely not. Nothing should impinge on the the enjoyment of checking on the level of your local reservoir.
dylan37 asks:
Have you ever actually tried going back to savoury? Live a little John, you might like it.
I did once accidentally eat some Wensleydale cheese with cranberry in (after a delicious lemon mousse with tinned peaches). I was aghast until I realised the cheese tasted a bit like cheesecake – quite sweet and creamy, you know – so I relaxed and enjoyed the cheese, safe in the knowledge that my theory still holds water.
Channelled by comedian Graham Fellows, John Shuttleworth is south Yorkshire’s finest singer-organist, playing songs of domestic frustration and mild existential difficulty like Can’t Go Back to Savoury, Two Margarines, and One Cup of Tea is Not Enough But Two is One Too Many.
Created in 1986, Shuttleworth bagged musical spots on TV shows hosted by Jonathan Ross and Vic & Bob, before his travails were documented in various series for Radio 4. He also partnered with Martin Parr to film the documentary It’s Nice Up North, and even appeared in the reboot of Sooty.
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