To: The Board of Directors and Shareholders of Wonka Chocolates and Confections, Inc. From: Charles “Charlie” Bucket, Chairman and CEO Dear Wonka Directors and Shareholders, I am writing to provide you with an update on our company’s progress. It goes without saying that my first quarter at the helm has been a challenging one on […]
Continue ReadingHear me. Hear me, you worms who do not yet know the extent of your own inferiority. I know that you can see me (for how could you not?), but now you must hear what I have to say. You “gentlemen” who limply cavort around London in your tricorn hats and your foppish buckled chapeaus…you […]
Continue ReadingFight Club (1999) Wings (Seasons 1-3) Deborah Sanchez (Got a way better job at Hulu) Matchstick Men (2003) Sam Patterson (Refuses to work for a streaming service that doesn’t have Fight Club) All Civil War Documentaries (Don’t want to give Americans any ideas) The Ability To Share Passwords (You’ve moved on from your ex, now […]
Continue ReadingAmerica, do you like feel-good or feel-bad reality TV? Do you enjoy an unending parade of children being told they’re talented or not talented by a panel of judges? Do you buy or wear clothes from literally any store? Then you’ll love Sweatshop Kidz Got Talent, the new reality sensation that’s sweeping the nation, and […]
Continue Reading’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court, I now offer this argument sounding in tort: My client, Miss Kramer, and others aggrieved Have sued to recover for gifts unreceived From defendant Kris Kringle—a/k/a “Claus,” Whose actions should give you, the jury, some pause. But before we indict him for being […]
Continue ReadingDo you like volumes of comic essays that you’ll end up reading entirely in one sitting? How about amusingly embarrassing memoirs, unpredictably silly novels, or behind-the-scenes accounts of classic comedy movies? Are you at all interested in comic strips, hipster-mocking, the diaries of a genius, and novelizations of fictional movies? Then give a hoot — […]
Continue ReadingBizzy Coy is a humor writer and copywriter who ditched the mean streets of NYC for the mean bears of the Catskills. She lives and writes in her cottage in the woods, with humor pieces appearing in The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Splitsider, The Belladonna, The Establishment, and The Higgs Weldon. Check bizzycoy.com for upcoming readings […]
Continue ReadingHoliday specials, for the most part, are a family affair. In general, they are (at best) sweet adventures or (at worst) cloying cash-grabs. There is a sweet spot for holiday specials, however, that make them entertaining for every member of the family and not something the older folks in the room dread having to watch […]
Continue ReadingThis is the last This Week in Web Videos column. Not forever, but for the year. I’m choosing not to feature a holiday-themed piece. Is that crazy? Yes, and it may not be popular, but Rachel Sennott’s The ATM Mechanic is worth the fallout. After a year that’s been nothing if not shut-the-lights-off-and-stare deplorable, we need […]
Continue ReadingUNZIPits were born out of the all-too-common struggle to capture the effortless charm of the unzipped pant while avoiding having the cops called on you for indecent exposure. We’ve all been there: you’re in a casual business meeting at a coffee shop, pants unzipped like every other coffee shop patron, and when you return to […]
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